The Vortex

There's a character called Svetlana in that great Russian movie 'Night Watch' (based on the book of the same name) who has a great unseen vortex rising from her. Everything she touches, everyone she meets, is doomed.

The last week has been a bit like that. I feel like I'm driving people away but I'm not sure how I'm doing it or whether it's my fault at all. Despite my chirpy, whirlwind overview of my time in Brisbane, one very profound thing happened. On the Saturday night, before heading out to dinner, I received a call from a friend's ex-boyfriend telling me that she had left a disturbing message on his voicemail, that she was going to kill herself.

I called my friend, hoping it was a joke. She didn't answer. I called her sister and found out that she'd been taken to hospital for psychiatric assessment. Fortunately, although she had bought some pills on which to overdose, she hadn't taken them and had been stopped in time.

This kind of thing makes me feel incredibly impotent. For starters, I'm not a very good person in a crisis, if you want sympathy. It's not that I don't listen, it's more that I have a need to find a solution and if I don't have a solution, I feel stupid and useless because I'm not good at handling crying or hand-holding or "there, there". And if I don't have a solution, I don't know what to say and that's almost the worst thing of all because anything I do say sounds trite and tokenistic - "I'm there for you" etc etc.

Then there's the secondary wave of guilt and indignation. Haven't I been a good friend to you? Why didn't I see this coming? Can't we just talk about it? Why did you call him and not me? Isn't our friendship strong enough for you to want to stay alive?

Followed by - you've done this on purpose! You're abandoning me in the most permanent way possible! (Most people I'm close to will know that my greatest fear is to be abandoned). (Of course, it's ridiculous to think that what she attempted had anything to do with me directly but as I stared into the invisible vortex above my head, that's what emerged).

It's a glum way to think about yourself, let me tell you.

Then this Saturday I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends, including her, and it was as if nothing had happened. Do people get off on emotionally torturing their friends like this?