I like this blog. The reason I like this blog is that I can say anything I want because only a handful of people know it exists. Anyway, this is just a preamble to say that this is a nitty gritty version of In the morning, which is sort of the florid version of events today. It is also rather long. Those of you up to date with the Corkie saga (just read November's entries) can jump straight in.
Yesterday afternoon I emailed Corkie ('Stalkie') to warn her that I had some bad news. I asked her whether she would prefer the news in person or via email. Coward I am not. We tried to match our schedules but she decided it was easier for me to email her. I spent a good chunk of time last night typing out an email that I believed was simultaneously concise, restrained and unambiguous. Here 'tis:
Dear [Stalkie]
We have often talked about how it is difficult to put a lot of energy into relationships when you get nothing back. This is how I currently feel in my interactions with you. To be honest, for the last couple of weeks I have felt tired every time I have met with you. I feel that you take what you want from me while ignoring other facets of me.
These facets have slowly started to turn against me from neglect; I can't let that happen if I want to remain sane. I consider myself a stable person, but I didn't become the way I am by letting people use me, so this is where I draw the line. You've taken enough of me - my patience and my energy - to trigger my self-preservation mode.
There have been many times when I have tried to tell you this; the first time was the day you threw a tantrum in the office about the way Sarah treated you. I was prepared to listen to you, but you never offered the same courtesy in return. This was the fundamental problem in our relationship - everything seemed to centre on you.
I do understand, considering the amount of difficulties you have had in your dealings with people over your life, that you have recently taken the time to focus on yourself. That is the path you have chosen to 'find yourself' and I do not discourage it. However, I do not feel that it is within my best interests to remain in your acquaintance while you sort yourself out, firstly because I am not trained to deal with your psychoses and secondly because I am not prepared to sacrifice myself for you.
For someone who is supposedly as perceptive as you say you are, I think you have misjudged the kindness of other people as something more than it is. I was prepared to help you and hear you out because that is who I am. I wanted to be honest, but maybe you were not prepared to hear that perhaps we were not as good friends as you thought we were. So here I am, being honest. You claimed you could handle it, and I truly hope you can. And be wary, for I know others feel the same way but don't have the confidence to say so.
I sincerely hope that you will come to rest one day. I am only sorry that I did not have the foundation to withstand everything I have borne for you. I will be discreet with your confidences and I expect that we will still be able to look each other in the eye the next time we meet. Good luck with everything and have faith in yourself - after all, you are the only person you can rely on.
Best wishes,
[Dr Witmol]
Okay, so that was my work of genius. Check out the exchange that followed... (edited to remove ID but otherwise unabridged).
[Dr Witmol]
I don’t even know if I can be bothered reading your email telling me that I am selfish and self involved person. Don’t need to tell me what I already know. If that is all u can see in me well then we should not be friends: it’s that simple.
I honestly wish I could say I was more upset that you are ending our friendship….right now I don’t really feel that much but I probably will later on
I have told you before that you I was grateful for all the things you did for me. You said at the station I have been acting selfish lately but did you know you aren’t miss perfect either? * The main reason I took this job across the road is because your friendship meant so much to me, I actually didn’t give a shit about most people at [RA] – you think I couldn’t tell before what some of them thought of me?? I was so happy that it meant I would still get to see U and Duncan. The only two people I really cared about in Chatswood. Except ever since I have left [RA] I have been feeling like you have been avoiding me and trying to keep me out of the [RA] circle. I have known for a while that I probably wouldn’t have felt that I was so accepted and u will never know how grateful I was for that. That email u sent me that said u don’t think I have let go of [RA] blah blah well I appreciated your honesty but it did hurt me a little coz u know how I felt about being forced to leave. I hate change and I especially hate it when its thrown on me. I know u might think I feel coz your parents are psychological nurses but u have no idea what it feels like to actually have bipolar disorder – to know that you basically have no control of how u act and it that is even more harder for me because I do so much like to be in control. I know I will probably have to take medication for the rest of my life, sometimes I try to convince myself I will eventually be able to get off it but I truthfully know everytime I try to get off it I just end up going back to how I was before.
Anyway that is all I have to say. When I was on the train this morning I was so ready to tell u to piss off and that I don’t give a shit but well honestly I do care about you and it would be nice if we could be friends again later on. At the moment I agree I am not in the right position to give our friendship more dedication – like you I just have other priorities.
You have been a good friend to me [Dr Witmol] and I do appreciate the effort u made; I am just disappointed that you ended up being like so many other people and giving up on me. I might be selfish but I know that’s not all there is to me.
U don’t have to send ur email, especially if u only reason you are sending it is to make yourself feel less guilty somehow. Oh it would be so much easier if I wasn’t such a mental case right?
I don’t think I will be sorry for the last six months: you really have helped me a lot and I will miss you
[Stalkie]
Do I hear klaxons? Fuck, she is a HYPOCRITE.
1) She says she prefers me to be honest. I was honest. I get an accusation that I hurt her in return; "That email u sent me that said u don’t think I have let go of [RA] blah blah well I appreciated your honesty but it did hurt me a little coz u know how I felt about being forced to leave."
2) She says she knows she is selfish but she takes a stab at me for not sticking by her because I have decided to be selfish too; I said: "I consider myself a stable person, but I didn't become the way I am by letting people use me, so this is where I draw the line." She said: "I am just disappointed that you ended up being like so many other people and giving up on me".
3) Also note all the platitudes e.g. "I will miss you" and read on...
Read it or you will never learn. This is exactly your problem.
I don’t like to give up, but you gave me no choice – it was either you or me in the end.
[Dr Witmol]
P.S: I know I’m not Miss Perfect and I never claimed to be.
Abrupt and to the point. I was particularly referring to "I don’t even know if I can be bothered reading your email" and "but did you know you aren’t miss perfect either?". The second part made me guffaw because I DO know that I'm not Miss Perfect and as such I have no idea why she decided to take that jab when it wouldn't affect me. Hell, I don't even strive for perfection and I don't think I have since I was... 11. But hang on, here's the clincher:
Btw I did and I had to laugh because see how I talked to u in my email – I talked to u like a friend not like a business associate
If that is how little our friendship meant to u than I have no regrets.
I was going to say this before but I thought no I wont be so sour no I don’t care: I wish I had been the one to tell you I didn’t want to be friends with you first
And as for all that stuff about looking each other in the eye – umm I’m actually honest about how I feel about people so yeah don’t hold your breath I am going to treat u with respect coz I just lost the last amount I had for u
Good bye
I love this bit, its quite petty - "see how I talked to u in my email". And then, the beautiful closure that I have been anticipating for quite a number of weeks now... "I wish I had been the one to tell you I didn’t want to be friends with you first". HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA. Oh my god! Oh my fucking god - petulance shat in her brain and it's leaking out her typing fingers!
Then she reprises the concept of 'honesty': "umm I’m actually honest about how I feel about people so yeah don’t hold your breath I am going to treat u with respect coz I just lost the last amount I had for u". All right, so what was all that stuff about appreciation and missing me..? Because if that was honesty, then her diminished respect for me hardly computes. Fickle phony finds friendship failure. And if she was so fucking honest, then how come she didn't tell me she didn't want to be friends with me? It would have solved most of my November problems, let me tell you. WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE.
Anyway, I did end up having the last word, per se. Tell me if you think it was sharp enough:
Thanks for being “so honest”.
So there it ends, folks. Of course, it will take a while to purge from my system - the concept of the wasted time and effort on her in particular. But you know, salvaging my reputation as well; everyone thought we were best friends or something and I need to spend time undoing that belief. I don't think I was cruel. I never misrepresented myself and I never committed anything that I couldn't give. On the other hand, apart from being a psycho, Stalkie:
* wanted honesty but couldn't give nor take it. Hypocrite.
* further proved that she was selfish by implying that she was the one entitled to feel angry at my departure when all I have ever tried to do was help and when I helped she clung onto me and when she clung onto me I didn't want to help because it took too much out of me. It was all her own doing, really.
* tried to emotionally blackmail me by bringing up her medical condition even when I expressly stated that part of the reason I had to leave was because I did not have the training to deal with that.
* tried to put words in my mouth implying particular things about me e.g. "I know u might think I feel coz your parents are psychological nurses..." She knows I might think what? She know NOTHING of what I think, bar what I've told her and I have NEVER claimed to know what people with bipolar feel. Also things like "If that is how little our friendship meant to u..." Now she's just making things up...
* will turn like a wheel when it suits her.
* showed a great deal of petulance, which conversely made me happy about my decision to go through this difficult extraction.
So... breaking up is hard to do. I seem to do it on a regular basis so surely I must get better at it every time, right? Two things I hate in people is hypocrisy and furtiveness. I prefer consistency and openness. Don't you?
And you know what, my letter - the email that began this thread of correspondence - is exactly the kind of letter I would like to receive if someone wanted to break a friendship with me. I do abide by 'do unto others'. I wish Erin would take note (you know, instead of not inviting me to your wedding, just write a short note to say "no more"). This social thing is a complicated business and I propose to simplify it. Who's with me? In the meantime, I'll try not to "make friends" with any more psychos.
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